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My Greatest Fear

Not changing anything in my world. Not making a difference. Blending in. I’m TERRIFIED of being just another face, someone that forty years from now you won’t remember.

It seems almost petty and self serving doesn’t? That my ego is too massive that it’s scared of not being remembered in the grand scheme of thing. And I suppose you may be right, and yes, I do know that in vastness that is all of existence I am a mere minuscule speck of carbon. But what if the speck of carbon could change things.

I can’t help but thinking of a story my father told me when I was younger, about how a boy every morning would go down to the shore and throw starfish back into the wake so the wouldn’t be eaten by the seagulls or dry out and die. How a man approached him and told him that there are too many starfish and he’d never be able to save them all, and how that child responded, “But to those fish I can reach, I’m their savior, I’m making a difference to the few.” This has resounded in my soul, I want to reach the hurt, the dying, the empty. I desperately want to help.

This drive, the compulsive urge to be someone’s hero, now matter how minute it ends up being has completely engulfed my life. I go though my day smiling, despite anything negative that has happened to me that day, because I know that my smile could be someone’s hope to keep fighting a seemingly endless battle, or the only smile a lonely woman sees today. My drive to help has lead me to my career, a pediatric oncology nurse. I’ve seen how nurses can affect children fighting an unbelievably difficult and painful battle and I want to be someone that brightens and comforts those little ones.

I do believe my sense of empathy is a God given gift, it allows people to open up to me, to seek refuge from their troubles, to be able to vent their pent up emotions. Some people take this as a burden, but I love it. It shows me that I’m doing the right thing, that my endless love for humanity has not been for naught. That in my own little world, I’m saving all the starfish I can reach.

So I guess it is an irrational fear, not changing things, not being remembered. But this fear, my source of anxiety at times, it reminds me to go above the average persons out look. To not be consumed with me me me all the time. So maybe, just maybe, you should be afraid of being forgotten and blending in day after day. For if we just step out of our comfort zones, and care about the forgotten suffering, how great could this world become?

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My Journey And Secrets With Weight Loss

It’s been no secret that I’ve been losing weight, it’s raised a lot of questions with how I’ve done it, what I’ve done, what I’ve cut out of my diet.

This hasn’t happened over night, there’s no miracle pill. It’s been very hard and very long. There’s no point on being dishonest, I started this journey at about 240 pounds. I don’t have an exact number because I was so ashamed of my body. It took me realising that I had a problem with food to start this massive undertaking. I had to address why I turned to food for comfort, and break those habits I’ve had for years. This was a slow, emotional process. I had to address issues and events that I had suppressed for years and years. It was a cycle of being emotional, fighting the urge to binge eat, failing, and repeating. This lasted for a few months.

Once I broke the habit of comfort eating, the “easy” part began. I changed my diet, I stopped eating the foods that made me feel less than good. No more excess fat, no more excess carbohydrates. Less red meat, more leafy greens. Believe it or not, fad diets aren’t the key to healthy long lasting weight loss. You need to change your entire life style. Change what foods you reach for when you want a snack. All while keeping your body happy, starving yourself doesn’t work. Keeping yourself hungry just promotes and leads to breaking the good habits that have begun.

After the diet change came the exercise, the thing every one hates for the most part. But I’m telling you, it’s necessary. And soon enough, when you’re consistent with it, it’ll become a good thing. You’ll crave it and feel bad when you miss out on it. Cardio is what burns the most calories, but make sure you do some weight training. It keeps your muscles burning longer and tones you up so your skin doesn’t sag as the fat is burned.

This is nothing earth shattering our ground breaking, but it works. In a year, I’ve lost close to 40 pounds and am 5 away from my first goal. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and know I will achieve much more.

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The Greatest Adventure

I love wandering

I love restlessness

The galaxy calls my name,

the unknown creeps deep inside.

The woods tell me I’m not the same.

The brook chants, “Leave it all behind.”

A playful wind pulls my hair,

wrapping me in an embrace

The moon in her beauty, bare.

Smiling down with tender face.

I wandered lonely like a cloud,

when at once, I was in a crowd.

Surrounded by a billion things

life in harmony, how sweet it rings

Sturdy, harmonizing, hills.

sweet, humble, daffodils.

Wandering gives way to discovery

restlessness makes way for recovery

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We’re All Pieces Of Paper

There’s something so mysterious
About a piece of paper

Full of possibility.
Riddled with hostility.
Weighed with unmatched potential.
Sweet with something sentimental.
Burdened with news untold.
Storing something that’s most bold!
Riddled with tears of grief.
A story beyond belief.

There’s something so tragic
About a piece of paper.

It holds “Dear John” letters.
So many “I could do better”s.
An unnoticed obituary.
News of a miscarry.

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Ebony Aphrodite

My darling, taste my scarlet skin.
I’ll show you my oblivion.
I’ll show you teardrops, like spent rain
Each molecule echoing pain.

See my sable catastrophe,
My broken soul’s own mastery.
Looming walls of my construction
Soon shall be my own destruction.

My skin is in constant aching,
This composure ever breaking.
Blood remains in minute traces,
Agony filling the spaces.

King Kong never stood this mighty,
My ebony Aphrodite.
Standing amidst my creation,
Constricted by my damnation.

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Confessions Of A Pastor’s Kid.

It’s no secret that I’ve been raised in the church, every Sunday it’s the same game, for now almost 18 years. This has been a learning experience for sure. As I’ve grown and evolved, my role has changed. Yet, people forget that though I have been raised in the church, I’m human, as is everyone else that has walked this planet.

°I AM HUMAN.
       This is something I feel that people tend to over look, I’ve lived my life under the microscope. Every action and reaction is seen and I’m judged harder because, “I should know better than to _________”. You fill in the blank. Yes, your right, I sold know better. But, so should you, so should your children. Just because my father is in a leadership position doesn’t make me the next saint. Also, I have emotions! Ever since I can remember people have talked poorly about me, my family, the inter workings of the church. My parents have protected me as much as they can, but parents can only do so much.

°I GROW WEARY
       Yes, I love my church, I love Jesus, I love helping. But unlike a normal family, we don’t get a break from the hustle and bustle that is life in the church. My father can’t just request time off, he is a critical part of 400 ish people’s lives. They look to him for comfort, guidance, and wisdom. Yes, we go away, but more often than not our trips are for the church in some way. Being constantly around that wears me out, I can’t even fathom how my father feels.

°I MISS MY FATHER
       As I have said, my dad is a very important in our little community. My childhood was spent hiding under his desk watching Veggie Tales as he sat in his office talking to people, working on his sermon. Now as I’ve gotten older and became more aware, I realized how hard things were. The most recent thing was when my father moved without my mom, brother, and I so we could finish school. Six days a week I had no daddy. Now, present day, any given hour he can be called and he’ll leave his family, no matter what we we’re doing and go do his job. People don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, they assume he only works one day a week, but they fail to forget he’s on call 24/7 365.

°I AM SO PROUD OF WHO MY FATHER IS
         Though things haven’t been the most ideal, or the smoothest. My father is my hero. He is so strong, every Sunday he blows me away. He is eternally kind and compassionate, he sacrifices so much for further the kingdom of God. My childhood has been full of adventure and guidance. My father and mother have raised my sister, brother, and I to be strong, wise, independent, faithful, and fully relying on God young adults. I wouldn’t change anything about my dad, his job, our past, or our future. I love my dad, I love my God, and I love my church.