Posted in Confession, Open Letter

An Open Letter To The Man That Molested Me.

Dear “You,”

It seems weird referring to you as “you.” The people I’ve told my story to called you a monster, a pig, garbage, trash, violent, malevolent, and some other words that are in French. You ruined an entire time period of my life. You made me feel worthless like I was garbage. I felt like I didn’t even deserve the air I needed to survive. I wonder if you know how badly you altered the trajectory of my life, because of you I began to cut my hips. I forced myself to bleed because you made me feel so numb I craved any kind of feeling, even if it was pain.

I wonder some evenings when I’m laying in bed at night, experiencing flashbacks, as I sweat and tremble if it even affected you. Do you remember how my skin felt? Because I remember how yours felt, dry and cracked as you touched me where I didn’t want to be touched. Do you remember my smell? Because I remember yours, sweat mixed with pine, I remember the smell of your breath. I remember everything. After a year of suppressing these memories, after a year living in denial, after a year of suffering in silence, I’m here to say simply:

I FORGIVE YOU.

I forgive you, I forgive you for stealing my innocence. I forgive you for making me hate myself. I forgive you for making me feel less than. I forgive you for making me feel empty. I forgive you. I forgive you.

I didn’t forgive you at first. I hated you at first. I wanted you dead, I wanted to make you feel as empty and worthless as you made me feel. I wanted you to suffer. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t testify against you, I couldn’t send you to jail. Because even then, some part of my heart had already forgiven you. The people that knew were in rebellion, they wanted “justice.” Justice for who? I’m not sure. They weren’t screaming justice for me. They didn’t care about my mental health or my well being, they just wanted you to suffer. For that, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry people learned about it and judged and hated you for it. I’m sorry people assumed things about you that weren’t true.

I wonder if you know how much this has changed me. The fact I struggle and fight myself in order to trust people, especially men. That I still have nightmares about it. That for years I searched for your face in a crowd because I was so afraid. That when anyone mentioned you or I would see you I would leave, go to some place alone, and just sob. Sometimes I would have a panic attack, others I wouldn’t. I’ve learned how to defend myself because of what you did, I know how to fight now. Yet, I’m still fearful. Not of you, but that it could happen again. That I can easily be a target. I can’t go anywhere alone anymore because I’m so scared of what could happen.

But, because of you, I’ve found a cause worth fighting for. I’ve been able to become an advocate for other victims of rape and molestation, I’ve been able to relate to an entire demographic that otherwise I wouldn’t be able to. I’ve become a passionate feminist that works on creating a world that’s safe for everyone against attacks.

Because of you, I am stronger than I could’ve ever planned. Because of one incident when I was 12 set me on a path of pain and destruction that I made into a path of joy and forgiveness. There are still mornings where I wake up and I feel worthless because of you, then I remember that I am radiant and unstoppable and I shed the yoke that you gave me and I move on. You may have changed my life and capsized me, but I became strong enough to set my own course.

-The girl who’s life you changed forever.

Posted in Lifestyle

How Meditation Changed My Life

Seems kind of silly, huh? Meditation: that one thing you see the stereotypical Indian person doing in the movies saying “Ohm” over and over again. But it’s not some cheesy thing, it’s truly life changing.

I started seriously meditating close to six months ago, close to a daily event that I purposefully sought out to practice. Taking a minimum of 5 minutes to sit in silence and been introspective. By being completely honest with myself, how I’m feeling, what I’m concerned about, I allow myself the time to love myself. I think that’s something we’re losing in today’s society is those moments of undeniable self love and honesty. Through meditation I am letting myself be not okay. It’s okay no to be okay, I let myself be angry, or sad, or frustrated. Through meditation I am able to analyze my emotions. Nothing good comes from knee jerk reactions or words spoken out of anger. 

All I do when I’m meditating is remove myself from what ever situation that is bothering me or upsetting me, sit down comfortably, and think. I think about how I am feeling, why I’m feeling like that, and how I can actively change my mindset into one that’s beneficial to not only myself, but the world that I can impact. I can be a light of positivity and love, simply by making sure I’m being proactive about my mental state. The world could be such a better place if we stopped acting through negative emotions.

So, I charge you next time you find yourself angry, frustrated, sad, grumpy, or overwhelmed, take a moment to meditate. Meditate on the root of your negativity, be proactive in changing your environment to promote a positive attitude, and give yourself the time to cool down in order to act rationally and in a way that you’re not hurting other human beings.

 

 

 

Posted in Confession

An Overwhelmingly Frank Post About Self Harm.

So. This is something I honestly never thought I’d write about. It’s a part of my life I’ve supressed and just never really wanted to put out into the public eye. Yet here I am, confessing to all that read this, that I used to self harm. I know, me, of all people. Intelligent, determined, and strong. But that’s not who I always was, I used to be weak and depressed, but I hid behind a mask.

It’s honestly amazing was masks can do, they can make you see normal when in reality you’re anything but. When in reality you’re dead or dying inside. I could’t feel anything, so I caused myself pain because at least then I could feel something. I hid it, it wasn’t a cry for attention, it was something that reminded me I was alive.

To this day I still have a bloody sheet hidden in my closet. I’m not writing this to say I’m proud of what I did. I’m writing this to say that living behind a mask isn’t living. Thankfully I had a friend that helped me begin to live again, and I truly began to live. I allowed myself to feel joy and love again. My circumstances weren’t what was holding me back, I was. I cut myself off from all joy.

I still carry the scars on my hips from my years of self hatred, and for quite awhile I despised them. They were reminders that I was weak. But as I discovered my strength and my resilience they became road markers on my journey of life, those scars are a starting point in my life. From those scars, from that deeply rooted pain, I began to live in a way that I never had before that point.

I write all of this to say, if you are self harming in anyway, tell some body. Tell someone that loves you and cares for you. Tell your parents or siblings and don’t resist help. The life you’re living isn’t all that life has to offer. There is so much beauty in the world and so much beauty inside of you, embrace that. If you don’t feel like you can confide in someone you know really well at this point in your journey, feel free to contact me. I’ve been there. You’re loved, I promise. 

 

Posted in Poetry

If Found

If Found,
please return to no one.
No one knows who I am.
I lay on the ground,
the unloved son,
you stroll on by
with nose held high.
You assume so much,
where you sleep at night,
that you can afford lunch.
I don’t have that luxury.

If found,
please return to no one.
For I am the forgotten,
the drown trodden.
You look upon my face,
and see an empty space.
You forget me each time
because I am a painful reminder
that life isn’t sublime.
I wish you were kinder.

If found,
please return to no one.
I am the child
sold for sex.
I am the man
no on respects.
I am the wife
covered in bruise.
Hell,
I could even be you.

If found,
please return to no one.
I’m the one millions have over looked.
My childhood tooken,
no one seems to care
about the child with blonde hair.
You look away,
with no words to say.
You know I can’t speak out,
I will never shout.

My words will find away,
“Be my savior,
be my neighbor”
Every day I pray
that one will come along,
yet each day I’m wrong.

If found,
Please return to no one.

Posted in Poetry

Among The Sand

Here I stand

A broken man.

 

There I die

among the sand.

 

I lived no life

of gratitude.

 

In my life

stood no magnitude.

 

For in my life

I shunned the light.

 

Now in my death

I’m filled with spite.

 

For all along

I wanted it.

 

But those who had

saw me unfit.

 

So here I die

among the sand.

Wishing you had took my hand.

Posted in Uncategorized

God’s not fair, and be glad he’s not.

Serve and be served.

Receive justice and bestow justice.

Kingdom work is hands on,

To the most high you belong.

No matter how deep Satan cuts us,

God doesn’t give us what we deserve

You see, God’s not fair.

Justice composes Jesus’ DNA.

Because of that I say,

“God’s not fair.”

If God was, we’d die

for our sin, our lies.

The cost of sin is death,

but Jesus gave his last breath.

Took our shame

and bore our blame.

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Posted in Uncategorized

In Response To The Legalization Of Gay Marriage

I look around and all 

Is happiness welling up in me. 

Then I look at you                                              

And see hatered in all you do. 

It’s been said you reap                                   

What you sew.                                                 

Those fruits you will keep,                                 

To everyone they show. 

So why plant the seeds of hate?                  

Those who are happy you berate. 

Those weeds of negativity                          

Choke out flowers of festivity. 

So I say, my dear friends,                          

Rebuke the hate that grows.                       

When love is spread hate ends           

Negativity with come to a close. 

Posted in Uncategorized

“The Time of Our Lives” A Charge To Change. 

I’ve been pondering some thing now that my schedule isn’t focused on the hustle and bustle of AP classes. One of these things is if this is truly the time of our lives. As seniors, were preparing to go out and “do something” but what have we been doing? Why haven’t we been doing something where we are, why do we think that getting a “real job” will cause us to do more than we already are. 

We are exposed to a whirlwind of people every single day. People at the store, school, work, going to the beach or park, every person we encounter we have the chance to do something. To impact a persons life. Yet, we who so desperately want to do something, ignore almost every opportunity to change the world we live in right now. Who knows what the world will be like tomorrow, so we need to act now, ridding ourselves of meekness. 

We are a generation that listens to reply, not listening to understand and help. If we, the future of the world, are only concerned with ourselves, what will the world come to? When finding the milk quickly to get out of the store quickly is more important than noticing someone who is depending on a single smile to prove that they are more than the garbage they think they are. That’s one of the greatest shames I can think of. We need to wake up. 

I’m charging you, and myself at the same to, be the change you want to see in the world. Make today, this moment, the time of your life. Live your life not for yourself, not for your parents, but for those who need that spark, that kindness we all possess. When you share the fire of love, I believe that a wild fire can ensue. One that makes the adults realize we are greater than what were labeled as.  

 

Posted in Uncategorized

My Battle With Anxiety And How I Over Came It. 

  Ever since I was little I’ve struggled with anxiety, this overwhelming fear of losing all control and being used. This crippling overwhelming emotion would riddle me imoblie at night and just turn my insides to a pool of seething anxiousness. 

Anxiety is something that I could never adequately describe, only people that have experienced it could ever truly understand what it’s like. To carry around a weight of all the “What If-“s to live your life petrified to put yourself in a situation where you don’t have complete and total control. But over time I have managed to supress and deal with these overwhelming emotions. 

One of the biggest things that helped me was stepping away from my trigger. By removing myself from the intimidating situation I allowed myself the time to calm the initial panic response and figure out why I was so scared. Most of the time it was something as simple as not having experienced it before, or relating the current situation to a negative one of the past. By making this a habit each time I encountered a situation that I deemed thereatening I found the exact thing that made my feel that way. 

Dealing with the emotions that is associated with the trigger. By the time I figured out what my triggers were, I could link it back to something that happened in my past. My fear of losing control originated back to when I was bullied as a child and I couldn’t control it, for example. It took me pinpointing the precise events to even begin to deal with the root of the problem. I talked with close friends about the emotions, releasing the pent up stress and feelings I repressed with out even noticing I did it. 

Accepting the fact it’s a tedious process. This is one of the most difficult things: realizing that you can’t fix years of damage over night, and there will ALWAYS be scars. Despite reconciling things with yourself or other people, the anxiety past events caused will always have roots in your heart. Personally, I’ve allowed myself to let go of my initial flight response, for the most part. There are still times, three years after addressing these issues, I mentally shut down and break down. Where I can do nothing but stress and panic over things outside my control. But each time I manage to control myself and my emotions I get better and better. 

Recovery is a long process, and in some ways, recovery seems unattainable. But I believe that the human mind and willpower is one of the greatest aspects of our existence. That with enough dedication, you can live your life unafraid. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Weight Loss War

  I can’t even lie, this is getting very difficult. Losing weight, that is. I’m growing weary of this seemingly unbeatable battle. The battle with myself, my mind and body, and other people.

This battle, I shouldn’t call it that. Self improvement should be a journey, right? But it’s not, in today’s society, being fat is considered a fault. That that person is wrong, that they’re lazy, they don’t care. They’re not a person, they’re their weight. They don’t know the person’s story, they don’t know their health. But only what their eyes see, which is a human that isn’t like them. People like me, the obese, the over weight, the ones that on a day to day basis are forced to feel that they aren’t enough, are just like you.

Personally, these last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I’ve felt the pressure of society, the watchful eye of those who don’t know me. When I eat something besides what I “should” eat. They judge me before they know me, now maybe I’m paranoid, but honestly, think about it. When was the last time you judged someone? I’m guilty of it, I’ll admit to it. I avoid eye contact with people that I’m intimated by, the ones that have done things with their bodies I personally wouldn’t do with mine. I know I have no right, yet I do.

I’m not trying to condemn everyone on the planet, but please, for the sake of all of those people, those that are trying to change for the better, or the ones who are confident in their body whether fat or thin, be gentle in your thoughts. For those things you think in your head, show. Those physical reactions you don’t even think about are seen.

We’re all human, we all have stories, thoughts, feelings, opinions. Remember that words affect us all, use them to build people up, not tear them down. That stone you don’t even think about casting could be the stone that shatters someone beyond repair.